You know what you’re doing but you don’t. You know where you’re heading towards but you don’t. You know what you want but you don’t.
You don’t know anymore. You just don’t.
Heartbreak feels so familiar you don’t want it to go away. It feels so familiar it’s almost like you want to experience the pain all over again. It almost killed you but that’s exactly why you feel the need to go through it – you feel like you’re losing yourself because you’re not used to having it all.
People love you, people care for you. You’re not used to any of that and you dare not believe anyone would love you for you, but it makes you so sad when you think about the possibility of losing them someday.
It’s all in my head they said. It is, along with the scars people left behind, along with the hurt they left behind. I was destroyed. I was broken. I didn’t bring the haunting to the next person, it follows, it haunts me. all. the. time.
Get it away. Get it off my head. I want to be happy. I want to feel happy.
All the mistakes they made, all the lies they thrown, all the stories they made up and all the signs they shown leading up to failure. When something almost similar happen, I’d think it’s the end. It’s almost like the one has to be perfect and not just good enough.
How tiring will that be for him? Who am I to want perfection when I’m (realistically speaking) not actually perfect myself?
See I can think rationally but the demons in me are fighting to prove who’s the better demon than myself and it can get so damn overwhelming.
I’m sorry… For being so difficult to love.
I will be able to embrace happiness to its fullest one day.