It’s okay. You not choosing me.
Thought there might have been more to the story, but maybe I have mistaken comfort for love. They would always say things like “you are great but”, then come up with a reason basically to tell you that they are not going to choose you. We didn’t need to have that conversation because you said you would choose me every day, up until the day you have to physically leave me for good.
We will be okay because we have talked about this. Imagine the things we have to compromise on if we went with it, although that shouldn’t be what’s stopping us if we have loved each other. Maybe we did, and maybe we both knew it wouldn’t be enough. Love is such a strong word and I still don’t know what it actually is, or I could just be overthinking what love is or has to be.
It hasn’t worked out with people so similar to me, also didn’t work out with people so different from me. This is so damn frustrating because I’m not even looking anymore. Just had to whisper in my ear ha, yet another one bites the dust. Fuck off, and fuck you. Not you; fuck believing in something I don’t understand.
Never heard a whisper quite this loud.
One thing I know for sure is that it could have become something, but you wouldn’t choose me for the long run and that’s okay. I would’ve been worth it but I can’t make you see something that you have already chosen not to see; right from the start of it all.
I was never trying to make you choose me because forever was not our plan. We couldn’t offer a promise. We couldn’t commit to uncertainty. I was trying to be a support, to make you feel heard and seen because those were all I could offer. Somewhere in me, at some point had some love for you. That much is what I know. And I could have sworn that you loved me too. Please take that warmth with you and promise to only accept better.
I guess maybe we were one another’s choice, but at very slightly different times. You said “I will choose you everyday until I have to leave here.” and you did, you did choose me. I was just being greedy wishing that you might be willing to go beyond your existing mental capacity for me.
Little did I know you not putting me through any of that “chaos” was your way of choosing me, every day forward after today – because we both deserve more than having to grasp onto the memories of us together, the last moments we shared at the airport feeling extremely defeated that this is it and to count on the little spark of hope that we’d meet again.
Who knows, love might’ve been enough. It could’ve and would’ve been enough.
Someday, somehow, maybe somewhere else.
MichelleAKJ 