Hey, how are you? How have you been?
You appeared in my dreams. Both of you.
Woke up confused looking for you, only to realize very shortly after that I went to bed alone. Seeing you in my dreams is the closest I can get to you for now. It’s so nice to see you in person again (in my dreams), but I’m getting reminded of the warmth your presence brought. I miss feeling safe, I miss knowing that I can trust a stranger I met online, I miss getting lost in each other’s eyes. What I miss most is how I was… when I am with you – happy. I was happy.
I am so sad and I don’t know why.
Could it be that despite knowing how things are going to end, I still hold on to nothing? Or do I not want it anymore, yet I’ve just been manipulating myself into thinking that a chance is all I’m wishing for? Or maybe, something was triggering and what I’m feeling is an underlying trauma response.
So conflicted but really, what am I conflicted about? There’s no decision to be made. There’s only my delusions. Am I going insane? Maybe I want to fall in love just so I can get to the heartbreak again to feel alive. Maybe this is why I’m sad; because I’m still going through it.
No, I don’t think I’m the problem. Man I tried, I believe I did. I remember everything but everything is starting to feel like a dream. And I’m going to let it be because I am done trying, I am done chasing.
Just fucking sucks that I feel the memory of your touch fading, and I don’t want to forget how your hands feel on my skin but it is what it is.
MichelleAKJ 