Call it self sabotage or call it trauma.
Sitting in my draft, this post began when I met a man I really liked; how I had imagined the goodbye would be if he was right. Now it’s going to end referencing a different man I really like, in a calmer way.
White flag, already? Someone sweet, funny and seemingly emotionally available. My soul died a little writing that and it still makes me sick thinking about how things might not work out.
It’s happening again.
Talking to him doesn’t feel like reading my own blog; he is nowhere near as dark. Good for me. Warms me up emotionally sometimes, but scares me too.
Soon it will be time. Been keeping this post for more than a year because I wouldn’t admit to the world how I’m feeling. I forced myself the other way, banging my head against the reality where I had romanticised an idea and fed into my own delusions all this while.
Wrote about someone I just met thinking damn, he makes me feel some type of special way and I kinda love it, but hate it at the same time because I can’t help falling for.
Each one of them sets the bar higher, but this one – wow I think he likes me. He is pretty good in my eyes, so gorgeous too. You know? But I think I don’t want it anymore. I can’t risk losing a beautiful thing.
I don’t want to get hurt again, although I already am. Maybe I’m the one who is not ready, I have so much work to do.
I am TERRIFIED if you still can’t tell. I don’t think I can do this. So hopeful, that I don’t want it anymore there is nothing I want more. It almost feels like I found “the one” when I don’t even believe in the one. Yet I find myself having to question myself when something is triggering. What’s wrong with me?
If you want to keep him, you need to understand that it’s you – it’s not him, he’s trying, Michelle.
The one I can stare at for hours in silence, just allowing myself to get lost in his mesmerising pair of eyes. The room full of people but all I see is him. Have I told you about the way he looks at me? I can’t deal. Being in his presence brings me so, much, peace.
He is where I want to be. What the hell, he feels like… home.
But I think I don’t want it anymore. I think I can’t want it anymore.
MichelleAKJ 