Meltdown

I had a meltdown today. It wasn’t fun but it was educational. I put too much on the Internet I become too dependant, my worth depends on likes and shit. I’m sure you know what I mean, social media eats you up. It’s horrible.

Each time something major happen (like a break up or losing a friend), my anxiety gets worse. Sometimes it feels like the end of the world, sometimes it feels like you will never be able to get up again and sometimes you just quit trying. The timeline went like this – break up, interested in an ugly guy friend who still owes me $250, had fun with a friend that I lost shortly after. All in 2 weeks. I loved the freedom, but made a few mistakes being single again.

My advise? Don’t play with fire if you can’t handle the heat.

Stage 1.
You adapt to changes even if some didn’t make sense. You accept life as it comes because the world doesn’t revolve around you and different people work differently and you want to understand and be okay with that.

Stage 2.
You think it’s unfair because you’re constantly trying to be okay to even things that didn’t make any sense to you. You start remembering yourself. People around you has always come first. You’d think: “What about me?”

Stage 3.
You explode, you fight, you talk about how you feel to someone you really care about. You need assurance, or maybe you just needed them to give in or cater to your needs.

They either do or don’t. If they stand their ground because they’re just being honest with you and maybe because some things really aren’t that big of a deal but it is to you; you’d find it even more unfair just because they don’t do things your way and then feel like nothing you feel ever mattered. You cry harder each time you think about the reasons why they can’t just bloody give in. And if they do things according to what makes you feel better about yourself, you will be fine for now but you’ll never learn. I never learnt, till today.

Stage 4.
Flashbacks. Things you said. Feelings you felt. You read back and feel how you would have felt if you were the one receiving the messages you sent. You feel sorry for making a fuss, you are so sorry they had to deal with that side of you but you can’t say sorry because you know you shouldn’t apologize for voicing out and being you. You’re stuck here until you can forgive yourself for nothing so you can move on and feel “normal” again.

I am so messed up.

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