But I Love You

You’re not happy but you’re not sad. You’re alone but you no longer feel lonely. You’re upset but you’re not mad. You just want to cry it out so you can feel better after but you kinda don’t care anymore, you don’t care enough for the tears to fall. You know how you’d feel empty and sit at a spot emotionless after a breakdown? Yeah but it’s not that. This time you’re… just there.

I thought I could finish writing without having to reach for my face. I guess this means I either write really well or I just couldn’t see it before things are laid out in front of me. Hold on, who’s the author again? Right it’s me.

We’re all responsible for our own happiness, our own love. Whatever kind it is. All love requires consistent effort and hard work. Something important to me was taken away but I’m not blaming anyone because I respect the decision. Oh my fucking heart hurts. I might need a bucket.

I am so scared. So fucking terrified. I’m scared because I kinda don’t care anymore. I’m scared because I don’t know how real this is anymore. I’m scared because I’m done trying. I’m fucking afraid that I might give up.

I’ve tried so so hard, I was desperate to reach you at some point. I didn’t have to fight for a spot, I shouldn’t even have to look for one. I’ve seen life enough to know where this is heading that’s why it’s so scary. But I love you, and I want you in my life for as long as you can be. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Please, love me like how you hugged me when you asked me not to ever leave you.

” You just want to cry it out so you can feel better after but you kinda don’t care anymore, you don’t care enough for the tears to fall. “ – yeah well I guess I still do care after all.

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