This Is Me Letting Go

This is me letting go of the idea of us.

Exactly this day of some time ago, I met you for the first time. Exactly this day tomorrow of some time ago was our first date. Where everything was perfect, and we thought we were two already perfect individuals. Little did I know that it was a step to the worst heartbreak of my life.

How sorry you were was all that was spoken; all that I could hear. It’s almost like it kills you to hurt me this way but you still do it anyway. I never meant for you to take any of the blame, but you did and I felt horrible because it really wasn’t your fault. Because none of us wanted any of this – you hurting me or me getting hurt. Because we never wanted us to come to this. Or and also because I chose to put all my trust in you after you convinced me to have a little faith in us, when I told you I am not going to believe words that seemed too good to be true because “I have heard it all”. Jokes on me.

I almost believed that you’re actually sorry. Guess I’ll never learn.

Everyone was trying to tell me how you’re not the one for me, but who are they to tell me who is and is not for me? I believed in what I see. I fought for you. Oh and for your attention too. I shouldn’t have to. That’s reason number one for you. They asked if I’m sure about you but I argued with what I saw in you, and they believed what you made me believe in the very beginning.

I told you you know. I told you. I told you words mean nothing to me. I told you I’m afraid it’s all going to be a lie. I told you I’m tired of having to go through the routine in meeting a new guy’s friends and family and then have it all not work out again. Worst thing was they are such wonderful beings, losing you means losing them altogether. I love them almost as much as I loved you. Imagine the pain of losing you was me thinking about how much I wanted to die, now think about going through half of that to that few many people you open the door on my side for.

I told you how I’d do anything to make us work. In the same case of how my friends tried to tell me. You said you understand. You said you’re afraid too. You said you’re tired too. You said you would do the fucking same. You told me you’re terrified of karma and I told you not to worry because I would never. I told you I’m terrified of karma and you told me it’ll be fine just like how you told me I’ll be fine after you decided you don’t want me around anymore. I told you so many things to which you assured me, never had it cross my mind you’re doing that only because you wanted to get me. I warned you about so many things but you chose to continue pursuing, never had it cross my mind that it may be because you wanted what you wanted and you would do whatever to get me to believe you.

So at first… when you wanted this too, I was the happiest person alive. Then I was treated like I was invisible, almost like a piece of garbage. It wasn’t because you’re tall dark and kinda good looking. It was really because it felt real for that pathetic short while. But that was all that matters to me now. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it that far into your life. I’m sorry I’m not blessed to stick around. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.

I’m still so sorry, so very sorry like I was the one doing the hurting.

The idea of you was beautiful. The idea of us was perfect. Who would have known you were my karma. I still just want you to be happy because doesn’t matter if any of us was even real, my love for you was the realest anything can get. And it’s still going to hurt sometimes no matter how over I am but it is time I forgive myself, because I’m okay spending Christmas single this year, I just don’t want to spend it crying over you like what I have been doing.

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