I have seen way too many tragic breakups to get reminded how hard it is to find someone who loves you back. True love is rare and believing that it will one day fall on me? Pretty impossible.
Too many guys included me in their future plan as if they really wanted me in it. Too many guys didn’t mean what they say. Even I, may have placed one or two of them in my future plan only to be glad we didn’t make it that far; so no one is to blame. Feelings fade and people change, sometimes in a different direction.
I know there’s love but I couldn’t believe it.
I have a fair share of feedbacks from my exes, from the for-fun to the serious ones. As I grow I realized me being the best girlfriend they have ever had came with an outburst of panic attacks when we get into a fight, the occasional sarcasm and attitude when in bad mood or getting mad for something that happened awhile back.
I may have been a good girlfriend to most of my ex-boyfriends, everybody said the same thing – “you’re amazing, but incredibly hard to love“.
Given a choice I wouldn’t love me too.
I hated my body for some reasons I make known to the world, he managed to convince me when all my friends and I tried to for years, to give myself a break. He showed me I had nothing to worry about because he loves me for me, so he’ll love what I have and don’t.
I’m a crybaby especially when it comes to recalling something that or someone who hurt me. He would make sure I know it’s all okay now because I have him and I’m in good hands.
Crossed my mind many times a day that he may be blinded by some fog or something weird and maybe one day he would realize he has been wasting his time, money and effort on someone so difficult. Or maybe one day I’ll wake up realizing it was all a sweet dream.
Maybe one day he will see that I am harder to handle than he thought I could ever be.
I expect him to just pack up and leave every time we got into a heated argument that turns out to be a miscommunication because I’m usually the first who starts the fight (because I would explode like a god damn time bomb), but he’d always prove me wrong.
He loves me through rainy days, he loves me through disgusting moments, he loves me through my bad days. He loves me together with all the annoying traits I couldn’t get rid of, he loves me together with the hard times that follow. He loves me when he look me in the eye to form an I love you through his mouth followed by a kiss on my forehead.
I love you too, so much with all my heart, and maybe someday I will finally see what you saw in me that made you decide I will be worth your fight. Someday, just not today.