I Hate To Feel At All

I hate it as much as I feel. It always puts me on the losing end. And I hate that.

I thought I mastered feeling nothing and to just let things be (for better or worse) but here’s the catch – when you let things be, feelings will get involved if it takes off to the good direction. You can’t block them out because you are seeing hope, you are seeing what you never dared to think about ever seeing again. It’s rare. So rare.

Then it scares you. Afraid to lose something that’s not yours to begin with. Afraid to deal with another heartbreak because you remember how you almost gave up on yourself the last time around. Afraid “because it’s still the beginning and beginnings are always nice”.

Take a leap of faith. Give it a chance. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance.

You’ll be glad you took the chance if all works out. But if you don’t end up staying together, it’s okay. The relationship was real and worth taking the risk you took. Even if it’s not, you’ll be fine. You will be okay. This is just how life is, it goes on no matter.

The process of truly embracing the good you currently have is not easy, because it may all fall apart before you know it. I have to convince myself that maybe this will finally become something long term so I should take the chance. I have to also keep reminding myself that this may not end well, just so I won’t shatter more than I have to. But you know what? Go for it. Everything is a risk anyway.

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