Part Of Letting Go

I was devastated. Nobody has ever seen me this hurt, I was never in this much pain.

Tears build up each time I hear your name. Desperation to save us turned to desperation to erase you. Everything reminded me of you, every single god damn thing. My heart breaks each time I see a photo of us in my photo album, something about that moment felt real. Then again, perhaps nothing was ever real with you because you were too self-centered (at least with me) to even realize that I’m there.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have been. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for what could have been. If only I wasn’t that blinded by an idea, that very STUPID idea many people of all age group warned me about. I thought it was the age but no, guys younger than me were trying to get me to see how stupid I was too. It wasn’t the age, it was just you.

That’s just how you are. It’s just how you function. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I’m sorry I thought you were broken when I was the one who needed fixing. I’m sorry I couldn’t catch up. I’m sorry I wasn’t educated enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t good enough for you to keep me longer. I’m still sorry we didn’t work out but I’m glad to finally see how things are all for the better.

I’m still sad but I no longer reach for my face when I hear your name. I still cry talking about why you left me (that I could have loved you better, maybe that would have kept you a little while more) but I no longer feel miserable for the rest of that day. I’m still in pain when I look back but I no longer feel like I’ll never be okay. I’m still hurt but I’m so glad it’s over between us because now when I see you popping up somewhere, I don’t see home anymore.

However I am still sorry, for things I can’t piece together; I don’t even know what I’m sorry for anymore.

You’ve become a distant memory. A distant memory I loved so much. A distant memory I fought so hard for. A distant memory I lost myself in. A distant memory that changed my views on so many things. A distant memory that broke me. But also a distant memory I need to thank. It was a journey full of self realization and lessons, and perfection at some point.

Now when I got told you aren’t the right one for me, I wouldn’t burst into tears hoping people could see what I saw in you. Now when I got lectured about how I shouldn’t have believed you, I wouldn’t have to search for excuses to keep that perfect image of you that I wish was true. Now when I got reminded that I deserve, can do and am better than this, I wouldn’t argue with them telling them they don’t understand – because all I see was you.

But right now, I see you are not in my present or future and I am finally okay with that.

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