Seeing you today;

Never thought someone who meant so much to me could one day mean less. Never thought I would be able to get over completely. I more so did not dare to think what my life would be without you in it.

None of us really left. It’s just, I think I deserved better that I started to let things be. You stopped trying first. Eventually I was done, so drained out trying to chase you. As I was typing “I still love you” I began to ask myself how does it count whether if I do or not, I did and I don’t not love you but do I still? It’s like I trust you but can’t seem to bring myself to believe you anymore.

I feel sorry because you lost every chance to experience selflessness and something real when you made me feel like I don’t belong. I shouldn’t have to wonder where I stand. Not only did you lose a friend, you lost someone who would have done everything in her power to protect you.

Maybe it was the idea of you that was nice. The idea of us, that was fun. Or maybe it was all just me dwelling over what I saw was love. I did miss how we used to stay up talking. I missed the excitement finding out our similarities and discussions through our differences. Missed seeing your name popping up on my phone. Missed your presence. Missed you.

I have been dreading the day I have to see you again knowing we’d be strangers, but I saw you today and I feel okay.

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