Forgiveness

The one word I never thought to use. The one thing I least expected myself to hold.

Hello, I’m back from my brief hiatus, and this is an update in continuation of I Am Just Alright.

It doesn’t mean that all my hate for the people is forgone. It doesn’t mean that I wish for them to live a good life now. Because I don’t. I still have the same amount of hatred, I still want them dead. Emotionally, mentally but not literally – there’s a difference, may I have that clarified.

Forgiveness to me meant letting people hurt you and allowing them to get away with it. Clearly something that’s not in my books, I am too vengeful to even be okay thinking about forgiving. But guess what? I did it. I finally did it.

I forgave the person who tried to destroy me. I forgave the people who lied. I forgave those who betrayed and back-stabbed me. I forgave so many things so many people did to me.

But no, I don’t have a bigger heart. I won’t say that my hatred has faded. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that forgiving means you are kind, because that’s not why I’m forgiving. I want to forgive because my happiness is more important than people that don’t matter. I want to forgive because I have accepted that it really wasn’t me; it was their issues with themselves. I want to forgive because even though their misfortune bring me joy, it isn’t worth the despair of when they don’t have any.

I forgave because I want to move on.

Most importantly, I forgave them so I can forgive myself.