It is taking a toll on my mental health. It takes control. It overwrites what my heart say is fine.
It, feels so familiar yet so distant. I don’t know what is it but it knows me. And I realize that only when I claim to be not happy not sad, but okay. “Just okay.” – it surfaces. Deep down I could still sense the hatred hidden under the blanket, deep down I could still see the tiny drop of sadness peeking through the fabric… and deep down I could feel that “just alright” is not… enough.
Maybe I am, not enough. But I shouldn’t be responsible for what people lack. It is not my fault.
Or is it?
Then again, it has got more to do with me than people who disappoint or are lacking because if I didn’t expect them to be nice at all, I wouldn’t take the blow for when they decided not to be, right?
So it is probably my fault.
– for the desperation of being heard.
– for trying so hard, for trying at all.
– for weighing my self-worth with how valued I am.
But it is okay. It is haunting but it will be okay.